I have high functioning depression
I wake up at 5 am everyday to go to work. I love my job, but at the same time, its a struggle.
Because for me, at work there is no real down time. We get some free time, but best believe if you aren't working during those periods, you're probably going to be missing something on your ever growing to-do list.
Which means I are "on" for most of the day. Making decisions, problem solving, scarfing down lunch in 30 minutes or less, the day is full.
And this can be difficult.
Because high functioning depression means that I can go to work, put on a smile, and do enough of my job to have people think that I am working at peak efficiency, and I'm not.
High Functioning means that I walk in the building and I have precious little energy to go around, so I go directly to my workspace. I say hi to the bare minimum of people I have to say hi to so I am not seen as rude or disrespectful.
It means fighting the part of my brain that says I need to take a mental health day, but also fighting the part of my brain that says I have enough energy to finish the day so I don't need to take that day.
It means looking at my job and saying "I hate this job" while simultaneously saying "I love this job"
Or "I hate this house"
Or "I hate my body"
Or "I hate my sadness"
Or "I hate myself"
While simultaneously convincing myself of the opposite.
High functioning is an argument
Its my own private civil war where im not sick enough to get help or empathy, but not well enough to survive.
This is not just true for depression, but if you are living with high functioning anything, you have enough executive functioning to perform or operate at a high level. But this doesn't always mean that you are okay.
And this doesn't mean that I am always okay.
And that's okay! I am learning how to be compassionate with myself and give me the space I need. But I am also learning how to believe my symptoms when they occur. Just because today is a good day doesn't mean my depression is cured. Just because you were flexible today doesn't mean anxiety is taking an extended vacation!
Take care of yourself. And lets #BreakStigmasTogether!
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