Cleaning

Honestly, why is this such a big deal?

Its just some guy cleaning a bedroom turned music studio. Where is the hook? What's the actual story?

The story is this.

The story is every day when my body proved too much to take care of
The story is every night when my space turned to landfill
The story is how depression transforms not just a body but everything around it.

Depression is a big bang.

It is a bomb set alight in this corpse of a body made into fighter jet
And this room be my testing ground

What is a room
If it is not just practice for how to destroy

Everything else
And what I mean is

Depression has always been the destruction
But it is not all at one time
Depression is the slow tsunami
It is the tide rising inch by inch until
Inland becomes beach
Until mountain becomes molehill
Until everything in its wake gets pulled in by tide

Depression is volcano
It is a slothful fire
Slow cooking the ground I walk on
Making all I have held dear
A blanket of ash
A room full of artifacts
And some days
I wish it would just be eruption
And explosion
And a swift supernova
And here I am
A creeping inferno
An advancing forest fire
Both contained
And out of control
And consuming the last of the
Dried grass

And what I mean is
Depression pulls the energy out of me
The way a black hole makes its very existence
A snare
Depression is a black hole
Not just the darkness of it
It’s the pulling
The way its grasp holds tight
Its fingers press in
Bruising my wrists and ankles
Making my hands and feel feel like the
Anvils they so often have been in the past

So why is this a big deal?

Because when an island cleans after a hurricane
The population can once again find home
Because there is privilege in being able to remove the sign reading
"Will open after storm"

Because even the little victories are God's way of saying
"Here is your rainbow"
Your promise that
The storm may return
The trial may come
But the end always follows

If depression is the story
This is the finale
This is the finally
​This is happy ending and sequel in one
This
Is what
Victory
Looks like